NOT A PARODY: Cardinal Dolan Smuggles Hot Dogs into Met Gala, Then Goes Home to a Triple Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich Nightcap

Fashion and the Catholic Imagination: Cardinal Dolan and some actor

Future historians with a sense for the bizarre and absurd will have a field day with the early 21st century Catholic Church. Among other things, one cannot say that the Court of Francis and its satellite courts are not made up of interesting and diverse characters to rival any Renaissance satire.

First, there are the perverts, obviously in great abundance, such as Cardinal "cocoa-puffs" Cocopalmieri or Archbishop Paglia, with their Vatican orgies and commissioned pornographic murals.

Then the soulless power hungry strivers such as Cardinal Cupich or Bergoglio himself.

There are the banal and petty bureaucrats such as the Himmler knock-off, Anthony "sock-puppet" Spadaro.

And finally, there are the buffoons, such as New York City's Cardinal Dolan, who, even while posing in a human-and-animal kickline, three years ago, was probably thinking of his next salami roll.

2015: Cardinal Dolan with Rockettes and sheep

On Twitter, yesterday, in response to a Tweet containing a photograph of Jesuit James Martin greeting Dolan at the Met's horrific "Fashion and the Catholic Imagination" gala, I theorized that while Martin was probably luxuriating in all the sacrilegious "sensuality," the Cardinal was merely hopeful for the lunch bell.

It was a joke.

But Cardinal Dolan is of course himself a joke, or more accurately, a buffoon. Fiction cannot invent what this ridiculously gluttonous red-faced bishop cannot top in reality.

It turns out that Dolan would later brag about his impolite behavior at this impolite event. Annoyed at the small-sized canapés he was being served, he tipped a waiter to smuggle in hot dogs from a street-vendor outside. But even that wasn't enough, as he happily admitted to afterwards engulfing a trio of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches at his residence.

As the Cardinal would later gush, "what a great evening it was!"

From the New York Post:

Cardinal Dolan brought street meat into ritzy Met Gala 

Just because Timothy Cardinal Dolan is a man of God, doesn’t mean he can’t have a down-to-earth appetite. 

His eminence sent out for hot dogs during his appearance at Monday night’s $30,000-a-head Met Gala, because the finger foods weren’t filling enough. 

“I had to tip the waiter to go out and get me a couple of hot dogs from the cart outside the museum,” he said on his Sirius XM radio show Tuesday, later adding he chowed down on three peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches when he got home in the evening. 

“It’s one of those like where you needed magnifying glasses and tweezers,” he said of the gala’s hors d’oeuvres. “I kept trying to eat with my fork and it would fall through the prongs. 

“But what a great evening it was.” 

Organizers invited Dolan because this year’s gala heralded the Met’s new exhibit on Catholic influences in popular fashion. 

The holy man rubbed elbows with Hollywood royalty, including Rihanna and Anna Wintour — though he admitted he didn’t always know who they were. 

“Apparently it is the social event of the year. And it’s sponsored by Anna Wintour — you got me,” he said, indicating he was not familiar. “She edits the Vogue fashion magazine.” 

Dolan was struck by Rihanna’s get-up — a glittering Maison Margiela Artisanal mini-dress, voluminous coat and bejeweled miter hat all reminiscent of papal garb — and joked that he lent her the hat and was conscripting her into the service. 

“She gave it back to me this morning,” he said of the hat. “I was teasing my auxiliaries who were teasing me. I said ‘Hey, you guys should not complain, because she has volunteered to do some confirmations.’” 

Dolan cracked to fellow guests that he was the only one who didn’t have to go out and buy his duds for the evening — though organizers were disappointed he didn’t accessorize more. 

“They were ticked off at me at the Met Gala that I only wore the house cassock with the red buttons and the red sash,” he said. “They wanted me to wear the cape.” 

He did, however, get a special dispensation not to walk the red carpet because he wanted to avoid the fanfare. 

“They said the only one excused is the Cardinal,” he said, explaining that Mitt Romney was forced to walk the red carpet even though the Mormon asked to slip in a side door. 

Dolan went for the displays of actual Catholic relics on loan from the Vatican, but said he wasn’t offended by any of the contemporary couture, which included a leather bondage mask with dangling rosary beads and a fuschia gown with a sinfully low neckline. 

“I didn’t really see anything sacrilegious — I may have seen some things in poor taste — but I didn’t detect anybody out to offend the church,” he said. 

“They were sure good to me, they were sure kind to me,” he added. “A number of people came up to speak about their Catholic upbringing. It was a powerful evening.”