Saturday, August 15, 2015

Dear Reinhard 2.5: Is it Wrong to Steal Shoes?

Following the first two installments at St. Corbinian's Bear, here and here...

From the Advice Column of German Cardinal Rienhard Marx...

Dear Reinhard:

Call me "Bruno". I am a dog who has been living in a human family--man, wife and six year old daughter--for 35 years (that's 5 human years if you count them that way). For the most part my needs are taken care of. I get yummy food, refreshing water and my master and mistress walk me twice a day. Last Christmas they even gave me a tennis ball.

But even in this most bestest of situations, I confess to having, well, other feelings. To put it plainly, I can't stop munching on my master's shoes. They're leathery and delicious and when master isn't looking I occasionally take one from the closet and add it to the growing pile behind the garden bush. That way, I'll have a supply just in case. I don't think master knows about this as he is always yelling, "Verdammt! Wo sind meine Lieblings loafers?" at mistress. Their daughter caught me once, but instead of telling master, she just smiled and winked. After master was grumpy with her last week, she even procured another shoe for me.

As I am a good Catholic dog, I know that stealing shoes is wrong. But they do taste very good.

I've tried going to Confession. But if I manage to show up for the five minutes in the week that it is available in my parish, the priest usually just pats me on the head and gives me a leftover piece of bratwurst. I like the bratwurst but still I feel that this is somewhat condescending. How would you feel if you wanted absolution but were merely handed a sausage?

Do you have any sausages?

What shall I do? I hear that the current Pope is friendly to dogs. But I wonder whether this is merely posturing for human consumption. Is there a bite behind his bark? Or will he in the end turn out to be a cat lover, just like the others?

I think the Synod on the Family should deal with pet issues since we are an integral part of many families. And I'm tired of feeling excluded.

Bruno in Munich

Reinhardt replies...

Dear Bruno,

You claim to be a "Catholic" dog, but I've checked the government rolls, and there's no record that you have paid the state income tax for membership in your chosen religious organization. Of course you may pay in dog biscuits. But you're already five years behind. Please send 2,729 biscuits to the P.O. Box of Cardinal Kasper. Until you do that, I'm afraid to say that I cannot offer you any advice, nor will I continue this communication. Do you think German priests work for free?

God bless you!


  1. You should be aware that episode 3 -- "Strudel" -- is currently available. Good to know the Synod is in the hands of people like Cardinal Marx.

    1. Yeah, the alliance between Pope of the Poor and Church of Bling is a wonder to behold.

  2. Why can't there be a Dear Francis column?

    Fritz the cat is hot and wants his Catholic owners to turn on the darn air conditioner. Also they are now offering him only vegan meals. Fritz would like a copy of Laudato Si to be used as his cat box liner, along with a few pages from the Koran.

    1. Fritz is a long haired tabby. He is hot and has taken to panting like ("shudders") a dog. Also Fritz would like you to know that unlike Bruno, he is not Catholic and believes himself to be God.