Jeffrey Mirus is Unwell (Again)

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WARNING: FOUL LANGUAGE.

SOHO — I’ve tried ignoring this Pope but the bastard won’t go away. He's not good for my income stream. Yes, I’m going to have a right old moan today — and this month we hit only 17% of our fundraising goal. Pope of Mercy? You must be joking. Tell that to my broker. But at least I had a booze blowout with a few fellow Neo-Caths to sanitize our sorrows. Last night I poured gin into my computer keyboard and it nearly blew up. There aren’t any prizes for shills but that's just what I am. If I don't play ball regarding Frankie, I get kicked in the balls. Which reminds me, I’m somewhat choked at not having been invited for a drink by the Patheos Women’s Guild. I have been invited to take a drink with Mark Shea though. Bollocks the thought. But [REDACTED], who betrayed his college for 30 silvers, went berserk in TGI Fridays yesterday and bought me two drinks. He asked me for a loan and I pretended he was joking. Could this be some sort of honey trap?

Anyway, I think I may have cracked it this year. The website spend account is sending me to Cuba where I shall be once again lying about Frankie. This could lead to suicide, I fear, if the self-pity and sentiment sets in and I really don’t want to be found dead wearing a "who am I to judge?" button. It looks quite silly enough as it is. Incidentally, do you think I can trot out my "Pope thinking outside the box" argument again? I've already used it fifty-nine fucking times. When they get wise to it, I'll try something different. What?

But by far the worst thing about the shilling, apart from the suicidal tendencies, is the business of acting the clown. This is what my doctorate was for? Snowing the donors. But who else will Help Keep Jeff Out of the Nick.

Now if Bergo could read, I’d sit right down and write him a letter. Dear Super Pope, it would start too. He likes a little sycophancy, as we all know, as do all idols, gods, features editors, publicans, bank managers and anybody else in the nursing business. For one thing I’d ask for a German Cardinal to drop in twice a week and pass me an envelope. Secondly I’d like a return ticket to Disney for the rest of the Papal Mystery Tour plus a one-way ticket out of Londonistan to anywhere. Then I’d like an introduction to one of those extraordinary Irish women who’ve been brought up to tolerate the most appalling five-thousand word blog posts on Vatican II and even come back for more.

So, over there, Simon Bolivar's birthday is coming up, which I hear is sort of like Christmas but for Masons. That puts me in the mood. If you should be Catholic enough — sorry rich enough — to think that it’s better to give than to receive, then I suppose we must consider the wonderful blog readers who’ve put up with a lot from me this past year. I’d very much like to take all the female staff on this web rag out to lunch. Not that I have any. But still. I’d like to buy Crabby Trad a colour telly and then make her watch it and I’d like to get Snotty Trad a dictionary of slang so as to enrich his abuse of me. I’d love to give Ignatius Press the book they commissioned me to write in 1897 and I’d like to give my landlord April's rent. As it is, I’m afraid that all I’ll be giving this year is a hard time to my barman. At least I can tell him my true feelings about Frankie. Not that he cares. He's a Low Anglican. I shall also bung my doorman who amazingly deludes himself that I’m a professor and a gentleman. The poor fool probably thinks I’m Cardinal Newman too.

***

Originally posted at Mahound's Paradise on July 11th, 2015.

MAHOUND FLASHBACK: Gaddafi and Berlusconi Together in Pictures

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"It feels good to be a gangsta."

For the fun of it, I occasionally republish posts from the first twelve-months of this blog. I was fond of this one for the pictures (obviously).

Original publication date: April 18, 2015.

With Libya all but in the hands of ISIS, and Italy under sea-borne invasion by Muslims using Libya as a jumping off point (and they're now murdering Christian hangers-on in transit), I thought it would be appropriate to remember in images two former leaders from a more innocent time. It was only a few years ago...

"Damn! The casual look upstages me again!"

"Before I formally address the nude, could I please hold your hand?"

"You always look different!"
"You always look the same!"

"Is that Old Spice?"

"It IS Old Spice!"

"A potpourri gift basket from the Libyan people to the Italian people!"

"Is it permitted?"
"Of course, Orrence, you're one of us now!"

"I can't release my hand."
"I can't release my hand either. I think my joker of an assistant put superglue on the gun barrel."

"I want to introduce those of you at this pool party to my homeless uncle."

"No fair. The deal was I would dress up as Crockett and YOU would dress up as Tubbs."

A Dream: Bishop Barron's Interview with Joseph Goebbels

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Robert Barron was elevated to Auxiliary Bishop of Köln by Adolph Hitler in 1941

For a bit of context, see here and here: The "clarification" was made yesterday on his Facebook page.

A few days ago, Robert Barron, Auxiliary Bishop of Köln, gave an interview with Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels. It was subsequently printed in the newspaper, Das Reich.

In the interview, Barron said that while he disagreed with current government legislation regarding the Jews and other "enemies of the state," he "wouldn’t want to get on a crusader’s tank and try to reverse it."

This caused a bit of controversy among some Germans, especially those waiting out the war out in concentration camps. In response, Bishop Barron issued a clarification.

Statement by Bishop Robert Barron:

Friends, after reading a few comments, I know there's been some confusion about one of my answers during my recent interview with Das Reich. Of course, during any long, unscripted interview there will be things you wish you could have said more clearly, and perhaps this was one of them.

So to clarify: I don't support the government's decision to forcibly remove Jews and other undesirables to ghettos and internment camps, nor do I support the "harsh measures" against Jews and others that, at least according to rumor, are now being carried out by the SS on the Eastern Front. My heart and mind are united on that, and there's no confusion. I clearly stated my disagreement even as a government minister sat directly before me.

What I question is the prudence and wisdom of pursuing the issue any further. I believe that, given the present climate, opposition is best expressed through personal witness and education.

Again, please don’t misunderstand me: God asks us to protect and speak out in defense of the vulnerable. As Christ said, "all men are brothers." But I fear that for so many people in Germany today, religion is reduced to mere opposition to the war effort, and this is massively unfortunate.

My aim in that interview was to show the German people that there is a lot more to Christianity than its stance on "the Jewish question.”

Blocked by a Cardinal: The Napier Interview

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Cardinal Wilfrid Napier of Durban South Africa has blocked me on Twitter. This is in one sense strange, as to my knowledge I have never publicly mentioned Cardinal Napier on this blog, nor have I interacted with his Twitter account in any way. To be honest, until yesterday I couldn't have even told you that Cardinal Napier was based in Durban.

But it isn't strange in another sense, in that many Catholic Twitter users have reported that they have also been blocked by Napier without any understanding of why he may have done so. I can only assume that he, or more likely someone in his office, gets a list from someone else in the blocking business - Antonio Spadaro or Thomas Rosica or whomever - of "problematic" Catholics, and simply inputs them. Why anyone, let alone a cardinal would bother doing this is beyond me.

And the blocking thing may not be merely ideological. This tweet is poignant:

I've been blocked, but because the show must go on, I decided that this wouldn't stop me from doing an interview with the Cardinal, conducted, appropriately enough on Twitter.

The interview was conducted yesterday via tweets. Everything was "on the record" and the discussion was frank but cordial.

Mahound's Paradise: Good morning, Your Eminence. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to answer some questions about the contemporary Church. 

Cardinal Napier: 

MP: Before discussing current issues, I thought I'd ask if you could give readers a sense of who you are, how and when you entered the priesthood, and so on and so forth. 

CN: 

MP: Thank you, Your Eminence. You were appointed Cardinal by Saint John Paul II in 2001. Did you know the late Pope well? 

CN: 

MP: Do you have any stories or funny anecdotes or anything? 

CN: 

MP: Thank you. If I may switch gears for the moment. The current Church is obviously confronting many challenges around the world. Are there any challenges or problems that you think are particularly pressing for the African Church? 

CN: 

MP: Or to flip the question. Are there any lessons for the rest of the Catholic world that might be learned from the African experience? 

CN: 

MP: The release of the Apostolic Letter Amoris Laetitia has clearly been one of the most important events of the current pontificate. What is your opinion on its significance? 

CN: 

MP: If it's not too presumptuous to ask, I think it fair to say that you were previously considered somewhat of a "conservative" within the cardinalate. Recently, however, you seem to have lined up with the "liberal" faction by defending the Pope's refusal to answer the "dubia" submitted by a group of other cardinals. Should others read anything into this or is all of it just silly gossip? 

CN: 

MP: Thank you. Moving on to politics. Brexit, thumbs up or thumbs down? 

CN: 

MP: Interesting. And the recent American elections. Same old same old or fascism triumphant? 

CN: 

MP: Thank you, Your Eminence. Now, if you'll pardon me, I have to ask about this blocking thing. It's not because I'm white, is it? 

CN: 

MP: I understand. No worries. Hey, what about that movie Zulu with Michael Caine. Did you find it as inspiring as I did? 100 men against 50,000 and all that? 

CN: 

MP: My mother's just fine, thank you. But I do need to follow up: How many other accounts have you blocked? 

CN: 

MP: That's incredible. I didn't know that was even possible. So, once the algorithm is written, you just press "run" and let it go? Sweet. 

CN: 

MP: Did Salt and Light give you the program or did you have to purchase it from them? 

CN: 

MP: Ha! That's what many of my friends also think of him. By the way, who are you voting for at the next conclave?

CN: 

MP: Come on, even though it's early, you must have some ideas. 

CN: 

MP: Wow, I didn't even know he was in the running. Do you mind if I make that a "scoop" on my blog? 

CN: 

MP: Thanks! And I'll make sure to link back to you. 

CN: 

MP: You're welcome. But back to Amoris Laetitia. Do you think it's an authentic part of the Magisteria? 

CN: 

MP: You know what I mean. The Magisterium. So, what do you think? 

CN: 

MP: Got it. Okay. Well, thank you, Your Eminence. This interview has been very productive, and I think it will be fascinating for my readers. So, now that we've hit it off so well, do you think you could unblock me? 

CN: 

MP:  I'll take that as a "maybe."

The Ten Commandments According to Francis

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I have obtained a draft version. Sources tell me that the New Decalogue will be promulgated soon after the four cardinals are beheaded.   

1. I am the LORD your Pope: you shall not heed strange Popes before me.
2. You shall not take Yes or No questions to me.
3. Remember the late 1960's and keep them holy.
4. Please report dissident relatives to the proper authorities.
5. You shall not discard that which can be re-used.
6. Life is complicated.
7. Let it go.
8. You shall bear false witness against your neighbor if it favors the progressive cause.
9. You want American cigarettes? You want woman? You want man?
10. The powers not expressly delegated to the Pope by this document are nevertheless reserved to him. See 1.

By Francisco I with Victor Manuel Fernández, Feast of Che, anno Bergoglio 4.

Pope Francis Holds Surprise Meeting with Former Patheos Bloggers

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From the Daily Mail:

Fancy seeing you here! Pope Francis surprises 20 former prostitutes by knocking on their door in Rome and popping in for a chat

Read the rest here.

Who Does the Pope Follow on Twitter?

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Every day or so I receive a "tweet" from the Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church. For example, a few days ago I got this one:

That's the great thing about the internet. You can get fortune cookie messages for free. Okay, fortune cookie messages are usually free anyway. But still.

This morning I got another tweet. I don't remember what it said. But I do remember that for whatever reason I decided to click through to the Pope's Twitter page. If you haven't done it yourself, you can see what it looks like in the screenshot, above.

It's probably what you expected. The Pope has 9.27 million followers and has made 826 tweets--that's a bit less than one per day.

But the thing that caught my eye was the "Following" heading. As you can see, it reads "8." Pope Francis is only following eight other Twitter accounts.

Of course he's a busy man. And he's presumably on Twitter not to goof around with his friends or exchange #NeverTrump missives or whatever, but to enlighten his Catholic followers on matters of great spiritual import--for example, that love leads to openness and sharing. So, one would expect that he would himself follow only a relatively small number of people 

So, who is he following?

Okay, ready? Pope Francis is following . . .

Drum roll, please . . .

Himself.

And, I should add, only himself.

Now, I know what you're thinking. He must be a narcissist.

But consider: if you had a French alter ego, wouldn't you want to keep tabs on him too?

In any case, at Mahound's Paradise, we don't just snark or complain. We act.

So I reached out to him.

"Popes follow back," I lied.

"Buena suerte con tu blog," he replied. "El amor conduce a la apertura y el intercambio."

Here is the result:

Pope Francis at Nuremberg: 10 Things to Know and Share*

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The Pope takes the "long walk" flanked by two German cardinals

In light of the controversy over the Pope's recent rally at Nuremberg, Mahound's Paradise is proud to host its first guest post by a well-known neo catholic author, blogger and journalist:

Pope Francis at Nuremberg: 10 Things to Know and Share

Pope Francis recently held a large rally at Nuremberg.

And some people are freaking out about it.

Here are 10 things to know and share . . .

1) Where can I watch a video of the rally?

Right here:

Also, you can use this link.

2) What did the Pope say at the rally?

He said:

The current Jubilee Year of Mercy is intended to inaugurate a Papal Reich that will endure for a thousand years.

Victory belongs to us, the People of God.

I am proud to welcome many comrades-in-arms from the internal Catholic wars of the 60's and 70's.

In the past, we were among the persecuted and were often labeled "undesirable elements," liberals, heretics and so on. But now that we are in power, we ourselves must remove the undesirable elements that have proven to be bad. What is bad has no place among us.

Other than that, our greatest enemies are youth unemployment and the loneliness of the aged.

3) What else happened at the rally?

The Pope and two German cardinals purposely strode down a central thoroughfare, with 100,000 uniformed members of the Pope's new security detail arrayed in formation on either side.

A "Cathedral of Light" was created with 152 searchlights sponsored by the World Bank and Vulcan Productions.

Statues of various Norse gods were displayed throughout the stadium and nearby areas.

4) Is it somehow wrong for the Pope to announce that his enemies will be crushed?

There is nothing wrong with defending the Faith. The Pope is merely attempting to ensure that the deposit of Catholic doctrine is protected and transmitted accurately. Obviously those who oppose this should be resisted. The Church has a long tradition of this.

The Cathedral of Light

5) I didn't like the rally. It’s not to my taste. Frankly, there was a hint of authoritarianism about it. What do you think of that?

Fine. Not everything is to everyone’s taste. Not everything in it was to my taste.

The people who planned the rally were trying to make it inspiring and uplifting, but that involves subjective elements, and you know what they say: De gustibus non est disputandum.

Not liking or even criticizing the rally is one thing, but there is no cause here to freak out as if the Pope were doing something contrary to the faith.

6) What about that security detail? Is it true that it is made up almost exclusively of young Middle-Eastern males between the ages of 20-30?

The Vatican has confirmed that most of the uniformed soldiers were Syrian migrants, yes. That's nothing to get upset about. After all, the Vatican has been using the Swiss for hundreds of years. the Pope has argued that everything should be done to help the process of assimilation. Giving the refugees spiffy uniforms and a salary is part of that effort.

7) Speaking of those uniforms, isn't there something a bit inappropriate about the new mailed fist logo with the red "F" superimposed over it?

Most pontificates have seen the creation of original emblems, medals, seals and the like. As for the mailed fist, you have to understand that Francis hails from a political culture that has some points of commonality but also some points of difference with European social democracy. He is the leader of all the world's Catholics, but he, like any of us, is also to some extent a creature of his particular time and place. That's normal.  

Our guest author

8) The cost of the rally was 5 billion Euros. What about that? And why was it held in Nuremberg, anyway?

The German Church had money left over in its budget, so they invited the Pope to have a rally. The national churches may be religious institutions but they are also bureaucracies. And as everyone is aware, bureaucratic entities will strive to use all the monies in their budgets as the end of their fiscal year approaches. It would be naive to think otherwise. You have to admit, though, that the Cathedral of Light was stunning and should be a source of pride to Catholics everywhere.

9) Okay, but you're not going to defend the Norse god thing, are you?

The statues were simply erected out of respect for adherents of Ásatrú. No theological endorsement was made or implied. Christians have always engaged non-Christians. But Pope Francis does believe that Catholics and Pagans share common values and interests, such as for example, how to make an economy run efficiently and how to control and harness the enthusiasms and energies of the masses.

News flash: that's fine.

10) Can you back that up?

Sure. But I don't feel like it right now. Get your own damn blog.


What Now?

If you like the information I've presented here, you can send away for my Secret Pope News Decoder Ring. Once you have one, you'll have the same unfailingly chipper insight on all the latest Pope news. You'll feel better.

*This is obviously a parody. But it's not meant to parody the Pope (well, mostly it isn't). Rather, it's meant to parody a certain segment of "everything is awesome" Catholic journalism  I don't mean to suggest (obviously) that the Pope is a Nazi. Rather, the claim is that if the Pope were a Nazi, there would be some Catholic writers who would defend even that. Or perhaps they wouldn't. But given some of the notorious pieces defending the Pope's recent scandalous words and actions, one does wonder. Humor aside, this is not a good thing. These journalists are doing great damage to the Catholic faith.

Merry Christmas from NOT David Bowie and Bing Crosby!

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This will have to serve as my David Bowie tribute. Anything more and, like my friend Jim Gaffigan, I fear I will be confronted by sign waving David Bowie fans and missal thumping faithful Catholic bloggers in a dark alley.

This blog post carries an imprimatur from Cardinal Ravasi.

Some of you may be familiar with the David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet of Little Drummer Boy, recorded in September, 1977 for a television production called Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas. If you haven't seen it, you may have heard it. Crosby died a few months later and shortly after that the show was first broadcast on Christmas Eve.

You may like their rendition (with added lyrics by Bowie) or not. But I guarantee that after watching Will Ferrell's and John C. Reilly's parody of it (played almost entirely straight with pitch perfect mimicry overlaying a slight but unmistakable air of menace), you will never be able to watch or listen to it in the same way again.

If that disturbs you, don't watch the parody.

If you choose to watch it, you must watch the original first.

After viewing the set with various friends and acquaintances over the last few years, I've found that people either think this sort of thing is incredibly funny or incredibly pointless. Obviously I fall into the former camp.

Merry Christmas and Enjoy!

Bowie/Crosby:

NOT Bowie/Crosby:

What if Christians Behaved Like Muslims? Report from Opposite World (Repost)

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The Kaaba stone in 2000, shortly before it was destroyed by Christianist terrorists

This is a piece from February 6 that I am reposting for obvious reasons. That the world is suffering from an excess of Islam, not extremism per se, is a claim held equally by figures as diverse as Franklin Graham and Richard Dawkins. For those who are fully informed, it can be denied only by the obstinately blind, the obstinately politically correct, or those who actually get their jollies from human suffering.

"Every religion has its extremists. That's the problem, not the beliefs or practices of any particular religion."

Oh really? The purpose of the original post was to explore the implications of that. Or, rather, to accept it and double down on the implications:


ROME—Pope Francis today signed a death warrant for comedian Bill Maher, citing Maher’s “repeated insults against the Christian Religion”. The action was announced during the Pope’s weekly address from his residence overlooking St. Peter’s Square and was met with enthusiastic cheering by thousands of Swiss Guards and others thronging the open-air area. Francis, who deposed his predecessor Benedict in a military coup one-and-a-half years ago, made a parallel between insulting Christianity and insulting someone’s grandmother, asserting that both deserved death. Maher could not be reached for comment and was reportedly in hiding in an undisclosed location. His television show, while still running on some stations, has now been pulled by the majority of them, citing “security concerns” following the assassination of a station manager in Japan by Christianist terrorists a few days ago. The Christian holy city of Rome has been off-limits to non-Christians since the era of Constantine.

ST. LOUIS, MO—Fighters for the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) reached the outskirts of this Midwestern city yesterday, promoting panic among residents and an outflux of refugees southwards. The WBC, little more than an extended family a few years ago, now controls a five-state territory stretching from southern Nebraska to Northern Mississippi. Its slogan, “God Hates Everyone”, has proved appealing to inhabitants of the war-torn region, raked by sectarian Baptist-Pentecostal warfare ever since the authoritarian regime of David Duke was deposed by a Saudi-Arabian-led military coalition thirteen years ago. The WBC recently announced that the entire female population of Arkansas had been sold into slavery.

NAIROBI, KENYA—President Barrack St. Michael Obama condemned the WBC today in a prayer breakfast for a diverse group of invited Kenyan religious leaders. “Though I am a Muslim”, Obama stated, “I denounce those who hijack and besmirch the beautiful faith of Christianity. The future does not belong to Christian haters. Long Live Christ the King!” Predictably, this fueled conspiracy theories among Islamic right-wingers that Obama was secretly a Christian.

MOSUL, IRAQ—Hundreds of protesters from the extremist Muslim group ISIS, known for its fundamentalist and literalist interpretation of the Koran, held a silent vigil outside of the city’s main art museum yesterday in response to a religious-themed exhibit that they claimed was offensive. Demonstrators held signs saying, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand” and “Allah Loves You”.

MECCA—At the site of the 9/11 attacks, where Christianist suicide terrorists destroyed the sacred Kaaba stone and many of the surrounding buildings fourteen years before, the city council struck down an injunction against the construction of a Christian evangelical megachurch, one-hundred yards from “ground-zero”. Christian pastor Joel Osteen, one of the main backers of the project, hailed the decision as a victory for tolerance and against Christianophobic hatred and racism. At least 10% of the Saudi Arabian population is now Christian. While some anti-Muslim politicians have pointed out that inmates of the country’s prisons are now 70% Christian, Christian groups have countered that young Christian men in Saudi Arabia are the victims of many societal obstacles.

SOUTHERN GERMANY—The government of Bavaria condemned rocket attacks into its territory, allegedly launched from Austro-Hungarian refugee camps along the German/Czech border. The camps formed after the territorial adjustments of World War One and added to after additional adjustments after World War Two are now home to three million refugees. The current leader of the Austro-Hungarian Liberation Organization (AHLO) claimed that all was open to negotiation except the “right of return”. The United Nations Committee on Displaced Peoples concurred (with Saudi Arabia declining to vote).

PORTLAND, OREGON—Riots broke out today following the Pope's remarks, with Christian demonstrators burning tires and attacking police. Twenty deaths were reported.

LONDON—Parliament refused to reverse the blasphemy conviction of philosopher Richard Dawkins. The Current Archbishop of Canterbury hailed the ruling as being consistent with long-standing Anglican jurisprudence. “Dawkins was given every chance to repent. But he didn’t. What a wanker”, declared the prelate, to cheering crowds in Trafalgar Square.

CHICAGO—The January attack by Christianist terrorists that killed most of the editorial staff of The Onion was again referenced by Kenyan President Obama who condemned the extremists responsible for misusing Christian theology in the cause of their “nihilistic ends”. “History shows that nihilists never win”, said Obama, quoting a line from the Big Lebowski. “Long Live Christ the King!” The President’s wife, currently campaigning for the enforcement of Lenten Fasting in all primary schools, concurred, exclaiming “Amen, Christian Sisters.”

JUNEAU—Supreme Leader of the Christian State of Alaska, Sarah Palin, announced that Jewish inhabitants would be protected by the authorities, following a string of mob-lead attacks on Jewish-owned businesses and homes in Juneau, Anchorage and other cities. “As long as they accept the supremacy of Christianity, wear their prescribed clothing and pay the Dhimmi tax they should be perfectly safe”, said Palin. “Christianity is, after all, a religion of peace and tolerance.” Kenyan President Obama praised her statement as an example of Christian moderation…


*Harry Turtledove had nothing to do with this. But he is now in hiding...

Video Tuesday: Ecclesia Dei Strikes Back: "I find your lack of mercy disturbing."

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It is with no small amount of pleasure, dear Readers, that We present to you all video footage of a secret conference concerning the innermost dealings of the present Synod, graciously provided for Us by one of Our most beloved and prolific readers. Posted by Ecclesia Dei Strikes Back on Monday, October 5, 2015

The video may take a few seconds to load. Please be patient. The result is well worth it.

It is with no small amount of pleasure, dear Readers, that We present to you all video footage of a secret conference concerning the innermost dealings of the present Synod, graciously provided for Us by one of Our most beloved and prolific readers.

Here is the most recent offering from the extremely funny Traditionalist Catholic Star Wars Parody site Ecclesia Dei Strikes Back.

That's right, I said "Traditionalist Catholic Star Wars Parody site."

I know, I know. Boring. You've seen so many of those before.

You can find it on Facebook until the Emperor shuts it down.