Friday, February 6, 2015

What if Christians Behaved Like Muslims? Report from Opposite World

The Kaaba stone in 2000, shortly before it was destroyed by Christianist terrorists 

ROME—Pope Francis today signed a death warrant for comedian Bill Maher, citing Maher’s “repeated insults against the Christian Religion”. The action was announced during the Pope’s weekly address from his residence overlooking St. Peter’s Square and was met with enthusiastic cheering by thousands of Swiss Guards and others thronging the open-air area. Francis, who deposed his predecessor Benedict in a military coup one-and-a-half years ago, made a parallel between insulting Christianity and insulting someone’s grandmother, asserting that both deserved death. Maher could not be reached for comment and was reportedly in hiding in an undisclosed location. His television show, while still running on some stations, has now been pulled by the majority of them, citing “security concerns” following the assassination of a station manager in Japan by Christianist terrorists a few days ago. The Christian holy city of Rome has been off-limits to non-Christians since the era of Constantine.

ST. LOUIS, MO—Fighters for the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) reached the outskirts of this Midwestern city yesterday, promoting panic among residents and an outflux of refugees southwards. The WBC, little more than a cult surrounding an extended family a few years ago, now controls a five-state territory stretching from southern Nebraska to Northern Mississippi. Its slogan, “God Hates Everyone”, has proved appealing to inhabitants of the war-torn region, raked by sectarian Baptist-Pentecostal warfare ever since the authoritarian regime of David Duke was deposed by a Saudi-Arabian-led military coalition thirteen years ago. The WBC recently announced that the entire female population of Arkansas had been sold into slavery.

NAIROBI, KENYA—President Barrack St. Michael Obama condemned the WBC today in a prayer breakfast for a diverse group of invited Kenyan religious leaders. “Though I am a Muslim”, Obama stated, “I denounce those who hijack and besmirch the beautiful faith of Christianity. The future does not belong to Christian haters. Long Live Christ the King!” Predictably, this fueled conspiracy theories among Islamic right-wingers that Obama was secretly a Christian.

MOSUL, IRAQ—Hundreds of protesters from the extremist Muslim group ISIS, known for its fundamentalist and literalist interpretation of the Koran, held a silent vigil outside of the city’s main art museum yesterday in response to a religious-themed exhibit that they claimed was “blasphemous” to Muslims. Demonstrators held signs saying, “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at Hand” and “Allah Loves You”.

MECCA—At the site of the 9/11 attacks, where Christianist suicide terrorists destroyed the sacred Kaaba stone and many of the surrounding buildings fourteen years before, the city council struck down an injunction against the construction of a Christian evangelical megachurch, one-hundred yards from “ground-zero”. Christian pastor Joel Osteen, one of the main backers of the project, hailed the decision as a victory for tolerance and against Christianophobic hatred and racism. At least 10% of the Saudi Arabian population is now Christian. While some anti-Muslim politicians have pointed out that inmates of the country’s prisons are now 70% Christian, Christian groups have countered that young Christian men in Saudi Arabia are the victims of many societal obstacles.

SOUTHERN GERMANY—The government of Bavaria condemned rocket attacks into its territory, allegedly launched from Austro-Hungarian refugee camps along the German/Czech border. The camps formed after the territorial adjustments of World War One and added to after additional adjustments after World War Two are now home to three million refugees. The current leader of the Austro-Hungarian Liberation Organization (AHLO) claimed that all was open to negotiation except the “right of return”. The United Nations Committee on Displaced Peoples concurred (with Saudi Arabia declining to vote).

PORTLAND, OREGON—Riots broke out today following the Pope's remarks, with Christian demonstrators burning tires and attacking police. Twenty deaths were reported.

LONDON—Parliament refused to reverse the blasphemy conviction of philosopher Richard Dawkins. The Current Archbishop of Canterbury hailed the ruling as being consistent with long-standing Anglican jurisprudence. “Dawkins was given every chance to repent. But he didn’t. What a wanker”, declared the prelate, to cheering crowds in Trafalgar Square.

CHICAGO—The January attack by Christianist terrorists that killed most of the editorial staff of The Onion were again referenced by Kenyan President Obama who condemned the extremists responsible for misusing Christian theology in the cause of their “nihilistic ends”. “History shows that nihilists never win”, said Obama, quoting a line from the Big Lebowski. “Long Live Christ the King!” The President’s wife, currently campaigning for the enforcement of Lenten Fasting in all primary schools, concurred, exclaiming “Amen, Christian Sisters.”

JUNEAUSupreme Leader of the Christian State of Alaska, Sarah Palin, announced that Jewish inhabitants would be protected by the authorities, following a string of mob-lead attacks on Jewish-owned businesses and homes in Juneau, Anchorage and other cities. “As long as they accept the supremacy of Christianity, wear their prescribed clothing and pay the Dhimmi tax they should be perfectly safe”, said Palin. “Christianity is, after all, a religion of peace and tolerance.” Kenyan President Obama praised her statement as an example of Christian moderation…

*Harry Turtledove had nothing to do with this. But he is now in hiding...