Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parody. Show all posts

Thursday, May 7, 2020

Review of "Covid-19" - the New Science Fiction Novel by Philip K. Dick

Philip K Dick, author of Covid-19
"Flatten the curve, citizens!"

Covid-19 by Philip K. Dick.
New York: Ace Books, 1960. Fifty cents.

In his latest novel Covid-19, the prolific Philip K. Dick describes a bizarre and psychedelic dystopian future, recalling but surpassing earlier efforts such as The Minority Report and The World Jones Made.

The story is set on earth, sixty years in the future. Men landed on the moon (in 1969!) but then ended active space exploration in favor of making endless trips to the "International Space Station" - a growing modular maze in low Earth orbit whose purpose is obscure.

In a weird touch, the narrator claims that technological innovation is now largely limited to "making computers smaller and smaller."

Most nations on Earth are nominally democratic (communism seems to have been earlier abolished in a set of revolutions named after the colors of the rainbow) but in truth, the planet's population is largely under the control of a few giant corporations and mass-media enterprises including the sinisterly named "Facebook."

Books exist but no one reads them. A few years before, scientists had invented a means for most people to instantaneously communicate with anyone else on Earth. Many people, including virtually all intellectuals, are obsessed by this activity and spend most of their waking hours in what is likened to making bird calls or "tweeting".

The populace is kept under control by legal Marijuana dispensaries, door to door liquor deliveries and watching "streaming content" on giant color television sets (manufactured by slaves in an unnamed Asian tyranny). These "smart TV's" are actually semi-intelligent and write little personalized messages to viewers on their screens such as "If you liked the Honeymooners, you'll also like I Love Lucy."

The telephones, too, are "smart" and can be carried around in one's pocket, doubling as miniature televisions and enabling users to make their bird calls and access "the cloud" - a kind of memory bank housing an encyclopedia's worth of information - vetted and curated by the mega-corporations. The little telephones (each equipped with a homing device monitored by the corporations and the state) are also used to track people's movements.

Covid-19 is a plague-like virus - or so it is claimed by the media corporations - and the novel opens with the government of the United States imposing a "lockdown" on its population, allegedly to protect them and save millions of lives. It's a sort of loose but mandatory quarantine. People may buy food and visit the Marijuana dispensaries but only if they wear surgical masks. The giant televisions may be ordered using the "cloud" and are delivered by post.

"Flatten the curve, citizens!" is the government's slogan, referring to the statistical graph of how the disease allegedly spreads among the populace.

Underneath its quasi-benign surface this "bread and circuses" future can also be brutal. Political demonstrations and protests are banned (in the interest of public health) and gatherings of more than a few people on street corners are sometimes violently broken up by police. When they're not bashing people with their fists or billy clubs, Dick has the policemen of 2020 using "tasers" - a sort of miniature harpoon that shoots out an electrified wire. The police also employ "drones" - small unmanned flying-saucer-like devices that fly around watching people and barking out orders - "by order of the California Health Department, move along now!" 

Is Covid-19 real? Or is it just a means for the corporations to consolidate power?

The novel's heroine - a rare investigative reporter in the old style; in Dick's 2020, journalism as all but ceased to exist - is determined to find out. She discovers that many of the "fatalities" - the number of alleged Covid-19 deaths are morbidly updated on a sort of stock ticker message on the televisions - are fake. But there IS something real going on. Among other things, she discovers that the elderly in nursing homes are dying in droves. Is it the virus? Or are they being murdered? For what purpose?

Dick has never seemed to be particularly friendly to organized religion. But in Covid-19, he poignantly describes believers, banned from attending church, watching "virtual" services on their telephones and televisions. Indeed, in his typical offbeat form Dick has religious fundamentalists team up with beatniks to resist the Covid-19 propaganda efforts.

The novel ends on a semi-hopeful note. People start taking off their surgical masks. The air is clean and breathable. No one dies - despite the stock-ticker numbers. Some kind of revolution appears to be brewing, although the bad-guys may have further tricks up their sleeve: One of their leaders - a child-man named "Gates" who carries around a slide-rule everywhere - can be heard mumbling something about "vaccinations" on the final page.

Covid-19 is another brilliant effort by Dick, who this reviewer believes will go down as one of the century's most influential science-fiction authors.

Is it a realistic depiction of a possible future? Of course not. Dick mixes hard scientific speculation - miniature televisions - with psychedelic fantasy - "tweeting". His visions are arguably prophetic but also twisted and verging on the comedic.

The Covid-19 future is rule by a sort of military-industrial complex as it might be portrayed in an Ernie Kovacs skit. If you want realism, read Isaac Asimov.

Chicago, 7 May, 1960     

Friday, April 13, 2018

Jeffrey Mirus is Unwell (Again)


WARNING: FOUL LANGUAGE.

SOHO — I’ve tried ignoring this Pope but the bastard won’t go away. He's not good for my income stream. Yes, I’m going to have a right old moan today — and this month we hit only 17% of our fundraising goal. Pope of Mercy? You must be joking. Tell that to my broker. But at least I had a booze blowout with a few fellow Neo-Caths to sanitize our sorrows. Last night I poured gin into my computer keyboard and it nearly blew up. There aren’t any prizes for shills but that's just what I am. If I don't play ball regarding Frankie, I get kicked in the balls. Which reminds me, I’m somewhat choked at not having been invited for a drink by the Patheos Women’s Guild. I have been invited to take a drink with Mark Shea though. Bollocks the thought. But [REDACTED], who betrayed his college for 30 silvers, went berserk in TGI Fridays yesterday and bought me two drinks. He asked me for a loan and I pretended he was joking. Could this be some sort of honey trap?

Anyway, I think I may have cracked it this year. The website spend account is sending me to Cuba where I shall be once again lying about Frankie. This could lead to suicide, I fear, if the self-pity and sentiment sets in and I really don’t want to be found dead wearing a "who am I to judge?" button. It looks quite silly enough as it is. Incidentally, do you think I can trot out my "Pope thinking outside the box" argument again? I've already used it fifty-nine fucking times. When they get wise to it, I'll try something different. What?

But by far the worst thing about the shilling, apart from the suicidal tendencies, is the business of acting the clown. This is what my doctorate was for? Snowing the donors. But who else will Help Keep Jeff Out of the Nick.

Now if Bergo could read, I’d sit right down and write him a letter. Dear Super Pope, it would start too. He likes a little sycophancy, as we all know, as do all idols, gods, features editors, publicans, bank managers and anybody else in the nursing business. For one thing I’d ask for a German Cardinal to drop in twice a week and pass me an envelope. Secondly I’d like a return ticket to Disney for the rest of the Papal Mystery Tour plus a one-way ticket out of Londonistan to anywhere. Then I’d like an introduction to one of those extraordinary Irish women who’ve been brought up to tolerate the most appalling five-thousand word blog posts on Vatican II and even come back for more.


So, over there, Simon Bolivar's birthday is coming up, which I hear is sort of like Christmas but for Masons. That puts me in the mood. If you should be Catholic enough — sorry rich enough — to think that it’s better to give than to receive, then I suppose we must consider the wonderful blog readers who’ve put up with a lot from me this past year. I’d very much like to take all the female staff on this web rag out to lunch. Not that I have any. But still. 
I’d like to buy Crabby Trad a colour telly and then make her watch it and I’d like to get Snotty Trad a dictionary of slang so as to enrich his abuse of me. I’d love to give Ignatius Press the book they commissioned me to write in 1897 and I’d like to give my landlord April's rent. As it is, I’m afraid that all I’ll be giving this year is a hard time to my barman. At least I can tell him my true feelings about Frankie. Not that he cares. He's a Low Anglican. I shall also bung my doorman who amazingly deludes himself that I’m a professor and a gentleman. The poor fool probably thinks I’m Cardinal Newman too.

***

Originally posted at Mahound's Paradise on July 11th, 2015.

Thursday, February 2, 2017

A Dream: Bishop Barron's Interview with Joseph Goebbels

Robert Barron was elevated to Auxiliary Bishop oKöln by Adolph Hitler in 1941

For a bit of context, see here and here: The "clarification" was made yesterday on his Facebook page.

A few days ago, Robert Barron, Auxiliary Bishop of Köln, gave an interview with Minister of Propaganda Joseph Goebbels. It was subsequently printed in the newspaper, Das Reich.

In the interview, Barron said that while he disagreed with current government legislation regarding the Jews and other "enemies of the state," he "wouldn’t want to get on a crusader’s tank and try to reverse it."

This caused a bit of controversy among some Germans, especially those waiting out the war out in concentration camps. In response, Bishop Barron issued a clarification.


Statement by Bishop Robert Barron:
Friends, after reading a few comments, I know there's been some confusion about one of my answers during my recent interview with Das Reich. Of course, during any long, unscripted interview there will be things you wish you could have said more clearly, and perhaps this was one of them.
So to clarify: I don't support the government's decision to forcibly remove Jews and other undesirables to ghettos and internment camps, nor do I support the "harsh measures" against Jews and others that, at least according to rumor, are now being carried out by the SS on the Eastern Front. My heart and mind are united on that, and there's no confusion. I clearly stated my disagreement even as a government minister sat directly before me.
What I question is the prudence and wisdom of pursuing the issue any further. I believe that, given the present climate, opposition is best expressed through personal witness and education.
Again, please don’t misunderstand me: God asks us to protect and speak out in defense of the vulnerable. As Christ said, "all men are brothers." But I fear that for so many people in Germany today, religion is reduced to mere opposition to the war effort, and this is massively unfortunate.
My aim in that interview was to show the German people that there is a lot more to Christianity than its stance on "the Jewish question.”

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

An Open Letter to Pope Francis from a Jewish Convert: I Want my Money Back!


The following is a full online reprint of a recent blog post by the writer and historian Michael Hoffman. It's not a real letter, of course, but a dramatization or parody. I'm running it below because I think it's quite good--perhaps the sharpest piece that I've yet read on the subject. In a sense, all it does is declare the obvious. But too often these days that is the least obvious thing to do.

Hoffman has unpopular views on a number of subjects. Some of his views are strange. A few are diametrically opposed to the views that I have put forward on this blog. For example, Hoffman doesn't seem to like Israel very much.

For the purposes of this post, I don't care. Sue me, Chris Ross

If you are a faithful Catholic or traditional Christian, read the following and tell me where or how Hoffman gets it wrong. How can his argument (in parody/dream form) be answered? Why should, given the most recent Vatican pronouncements on the subject, Jews convert to Catholicism or Christianity? Or worse, from the point of view of Catholic teachings, why shouldn't Catholics convert to Judaism? After all, according to Church teachings, my Christian baptism and Catholic conformation do not guarantee that I will be saved. So, wouldn't I have a better chance by, as it were, just pulling a Sammy Davis?

Or is the Covenant a purely racial thing (as Hoffman suggests)? I'm sure I have a Jewish ancestor somewhere.

More to the point, why did God come to Earth (in Israel), preach (primarily to Jews) and suffer and die at all?

(Shut up. Because mercy.)

(Shut up yourself. Go to hell.)

See, dialogue is a beautiful thing.

An Open Letter to Pope Francis by Michael Hoffman:

His Holiness, Pope Francis
Vatican City
January, 2016

Dear Holy Father

I am a Jew. I have the assurance, as did Menachem Mendel Schneerson of Crown Heights, Brooklyn, of direct descent from King David on my father’s side (my mother, I was assured was descended of Hillel).

I am 74-years-old. I converted to the Roman Catholic Church at the age of 17 in the last year of the pontificate of Pope Pius XII. I did so because I was under the conviction that I had to accept and have faith that Jesus Christ was my savior, and I believed it. And I believed that I had to be a baptized member of his Church to have a chance of salvation. So I converted and was baptized in the Catholic Church, and then I was confirmed.

Over the years I have contributed tens of thousands of dollars to both Peters’ Pence (the pope’s own treasury about which you of course must be very familiar), and my local parish and diocese.

During that time I attended thousands of Masses, hundreds of holy hours and novenas, said thousands of rosaries, and made hundreds of trips to the Confessional.

Now in 2015 and 2016 I have read your words and those of your “Pontifical Commission.” You now teach that because I am a racial Jew, God’s covenant with me was never broken, and cannot be broken. You don’t qualify that teaching by specifying anything I might do that would threaten the Covenant, which you say God has with me because I am a Jew. You teach that it’s an unbreakable Covenant. You don’t even say that it depends on me being a good person. Logically speaking, if God’s Covenant with me is unbreakable, then a racial Jew such as I am can do anything he wants and God will still maintain a Covenant with me and I will go to heaven.

Your Pontifical Commission wrote last December, “The Catholic Church neither conducts nor supports any specific institutional mission work directed towards Jews…it does not in any way follow that the Jews are excluded from God’s salvation because they do not believe in Jesus Christ as the Messiah of Israel and the Son of God.”

You are the Pontiff. I believe what your Commission teaches under your banner and in your name, and what you declared during your visit to the synagogue in January. As a result, I no longer see any point in getting up every Sunday morning to go to Mass, say rosaries, or attend the Rite of Reconciliation on Saturday afternoon. All of those acts are superfluous for me. Predicated on your teaching, I now know that due to my special racial superiority in God’s eyes, I don’t need any of it.

I don’t see any reason now as to why I was baptized in 1958. There was no need for me to be baptized. I no longer see why there was a need for Jesus to come to earth either, or preach to the Jewish children of Abraham of his day. As you state, they were already saved as a result of their racial descent from the Biblical patriarchs. What would they need him for?

In light of what you and your Pontifical Commission have taught me, it appears that the New Testament is a fraud, at least as it applies to Jews. All of those preachings and disputations to the Jews were for no purpose. Jesus had to know this, yet he persisted in causing a lot of trouble for the Jews by insisting they had to be born again, they had to believe he was their Messiah, they had to stop following their traditions of men, and that they couldn’t get to heaven unless they believed that he was the Son of God.

Your holiness, you and your Commission have instructed me in the true path to my salvation: my race. It’s all I need and all I have ever needed. God has a covenant with my genes. It’s my genes that save me. My eyes are open now.

Consequently, you will be hearing from my lawyer. I am filing suit against the papacy and the Roman Catholic Church. I want my money back, with interest, and I am seeking compensatory and punitive damages for the psychological harm your Church caused me, by making me think I needed something besides my own exalted racial identity, in order to go to heaven after I die.

I am litigating as well over the time that I wasted that I could have spent working in my business, instead of squandering it worshipping a Jesus that your Church now says I don’t need to believe in for my salvation. Your prelates and clerics told me something very different in 1958. I’ve been robbed!

Sincerely,
Pinchus Feinstein
2617646 Ocean View Ave.
Miami Beach, Florida 33239

P.S. I'm transmitting this letter to Hoffman, an ex-AP reporter from New York, in the expectation that he will bring it to the attention of those who should know about it. I am transmitting it to him in the form of a dream, but nevertheless, it represents the feelings of many victims of your robber Church.—Pinch

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Pope Francis at Nuremberg: 10 Things to Know and Share*

The Pope takes the "long walk" flanked by two German cardinals

In light of the controversy over the Pope's recent rally at Nuremberg, Mahound's Paradise is proud to host its first guest post by a well-known neo catholic author, blogger and journalist:

Pope Francis at Nuremberg: 10 Things to Know and Share

Pope Francis recently held a large rally at Nuremberg.

And some people are freaking out about it.

Here are 10 things to know and share . . .

1) Where can I watch a video of the rally?

Right here:


Also, you can use this link.

2) What did the Pope say at the rally?

He said:

The current Jubilee Year of Mercy is intended to inaugurate a Papal Reich that will endure for a thousand years.

Victory belongs to us, the People of God.

I am proud to welcome many comrades-in-arms from the internal Catholic wars of the 60's and 70's.

In the past, we were among the persecuted and were often labeled "undesirable elements," liberals, heretics and so on. But now that we are in power, we ourselves must remove the undesirable elements that have proven to be bad. What is bad has no place among us.

Other than that, our greatest enemies are youth unemployment and the loneliness of the aged.

3) What else happened at the rally?

The Pope and two German cardinals purposely strode down a central thoroughfare, with 100,000 uniformed members of the Pope's new security detail arrayed in formation on either side.

A "Cathedral of Light" was created with 152 searchlights sponsored by the World Bank and Vulcan Productions.

Statues of various Norse gods were displayed throughout the stadium and nearby areas.

4) Is it somehow wrong for the Pope to announce that his enemies will be crushed?

There is nothing wrong with defending the Faith. The Pope is merely attempting to ensure that the deposit of Catholic doctrine is protected and transmitted accurately. Obviously those who oppose this should be resisted. The Church has a long tradition of this.

The Cathedral of Light

5) I didn't like the rally. It’s not to my taste. Frankly, there was a hint of authoritarianism about it. What do you think of that?

Fine. Not everything is to everyone’s taste. Not everything in it was to my taste.

The people who planned the rally were trying to make it inspiring and uplifting, but that involves subjective elements, and you know what they say: De gustibus non est disputandum.

Not liking or even criticizing the rally is one thing, but there is no cause here to freak out as if the Pope were doing something contrary to the faith.

6) What about that security detail? Is it true that it is made up almost exclusively of young Middle-Eastern males between the ages of 20-30?

The Vatican has confirmed that most of the uniformed soldiers were Syrian migrants, yes. That's nothing to get upset about. After all, the Vatican has been using the Swiss for hundreds of years. the Pope has argued that everything should be done to help the process of assimilation. Giving the refugees spiffy uniforms and a salary is part of that effort.

7) Speaking of those uniforms, isn't there something a bit inappropriate about the new mailed fist logo with the red "F" superimposed over it?

Most pontificates have seen the creation of original emblems, medals, seals and the like. As for the mailed fist, you have to understand that Francis hails from a political culture that has some points of commonality but also some points of difference with European social democracy. He is the leader of all the world's Catholics, but he, like any of us, is also to some extent a creature of his particular time and place. That's normal.  

Our guest author

8) The cost of the rally was 5 billion Euros. What about that? And why was it held in Nuremberg, anyway?

The German Church had money left over in its budget, so they invited the Pope to have a rally. The national churches may be religious institutions but they are also bureaucracies. And as everyone is aware, bureaucratic entities will strive to use all the monies in their budgets as the end of their fiscal year approaches. It would be naive to think otherwise. You have to admit, though, that the Cathedral of Light was stunning and should be a source of pride to Catholics everywhere.

9) Okay, but you're not going to defend the Norse god thing, are you?

The statues were simply erected out of respect for adherents of Ásatrú. No theological endorsement was made or implied. Christians have always engaged non-Christians. But Pope Francis does believe that Catholics and Pagans share common values and interests, such as for example, how to make an economy run efficiently and how to control and harness the enthusiasms and energies of the masses.

News flash: that's fine.

10) Can you back that up?

Sure. But I don't feel like it right now. Get your own damn blog.



What Now?

If you like the information I've presented here, you can send away for my Secret Pope News Decoder Ring. Once you have one, you'll have the same unfailingly chipper insight on all the latest Pope news. You'll feel better.


*This is obviously a parody. But it's not meant to parody the Pope (well, mostly it isn't). Rather, it's meant to parody a certain segment of "everything is awesome" Catholic journalism  I don't mean to suggest (obviously) that the Pope is a Nazi. Rather, the claim is that if the Pope were a Nazi, there would be some Catholic writers who would defend even that. Or perhaps they wouldn't. But given some of the notorious pieces defending the Pope's recent scandalous words and actions, one does wonder. Humor aside, this is not a good thing. These journalists are doing great damage to the Catholic faith.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Merry Christmas from NOT David Bowie and Bing Crosby!


This will have to serve as my David Bowie tribute. Anything more and, like my friend Jim Gaffigan, I fear I will be confronted by sign waving David Bowie fans and missal thumping faithful Catholic bloggers in a dark alley.

This blog post carries an imprimatur from Cardinal Ravasi.

Some of you may be familiar with the David Bowie/Bing Crosby duet of Little Drummer Boy, recorded in September, 1977 for a television production called Bing Crosby's Merrie Olde Christmas. If you haven't seen it, you may have heard it. Crosby died a few months later and shortly after that the show was first broadcast on Christmas Eve.

You may like their rendition (with added lyrics by Bowie) or not. But I guarantee that after watching Will Ferrell's and John C. Reilly's parody of it (played almost entirely straight with pitch perfect mimicry overlaying a slight but unmistakable air of menace), you will never be able to watch or listen to it in the same way again.

If that disturbs you, don't watch the parody.

If you choose to watch it, you must watch the original first.

After viewing the set with various friends and acquaintances over the last few years, I've found that people either think this sort of thing is incredibly funny or incredibly pointless. Obviously I fall into the former camp.

Merry Christmas and Enjoy!

Bowie/Crosby:



NOT Bowie/Crosby:



Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Vatican Censors Force Vimeo to Pull Louie Verrecchio's Pope Parody Video. See it.


Have you seen it yet?
I trust in a dead sage called "the Buddha." 
I follow a false prophet, the pedophile Muhammad.
And so on.

In other words, good times.

Here is Verrecchio's blog post on the matter where he directs people to GloriaTV. If you can't get it to work (I couldn't on my phone), you can also see it on YouTube, below. But I would try GloriaTV first. The original hellish version (if you've been living on Mars) is here.

See the parody in either place before it's taken down.

May God have mercy on those who mock Him (you know, real mercy, not the twisted Bergoglio version). But before that happens, there's no reason why we can't have fun mocking them.


Saturday, September 19, 2015

Mark Zuckerberg Arrested for Bringing Hoax Bomb Into Facebook Offices

Zuckerberg in happier times

Menlo Park, CA, September 19 (AP) – Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg was arrested yesterday for bringing a "hoax bomb" into a company board meeting. Sources report that the thirty-one-year-old billionaire arrived ten-minutes late and placed the device on the conference table before looking around with a defiant and surly expression.

It was a Starbucks takeout box, crudely wrapped with a USB cord, with wires of various colors sticking out.


According to a police spokesman, Zuckerberg took a "passive-aggressive attitude" when questioned by law enforcement. Later, however, after making his bail of $200, the social media mogul told a hastily assembled crowd of Clinton for President donors that the "hoax-bomb" was merely a new laptop prototype developed in his spare time. "I hope to study at MIT," he said, to laughter and applause.


However, tech bloggers soon went public with the bombshell accusation that the "prototype" was simply a disassembled Apple II computer stuffed inside a Starbucks box.


"What a weasel," declared Steve Wozniak, after learning of the incident. "I made that. Zuckerberg didn't. And neither did Steve Jobs. But that's another matter."


Muslims Give Praise


Muslim heads of state, scholars and professional activists around the world criticized the arrest. "This is what happens when you convert to Islam. See?" declared Muhammad Fatwah, head of the Islamic interests section of Amnesty International. "You're made a target. Either they launch a drone after you or they send some stupid underpaid cop. If they can do it to a billionaire tycoon, who can't they do it to?"


When informed that the claim that Zuckerberg had converted to Islam was a false internet rumor spread by the hoax news site National Report, Fatwah responded, "Oh, okay then, my bad. Well what do you expect from a Jew?"


Zuckerberg Defiant


"It's my company, I can do what I want," said a clearly energized Zuckerberg, jumping up and down on the trampoline in the Facebook cafeteria headquarters. "If I want to stuff an old 1970's computer into a coffee take-out box and look surly about it, then that's my prerogative. F__ the major stockholders if they can't take a joke. And no, just because I play 5Pillars via Skype with my buddy Recep Erdoğan doesn't make me a terrorist. I went to Harvard."


Ahmed Mohamed, the 14-year old high-school student involved in a similar incident a few days ago said that he was proud of Zuckerberg and would officially petition to have him adopted as his father. "I didn't really invent anything either, so I sympathize," said the youngster, during a break from playing 5Pillars via Skype. "And my own dad is kind of a freak. What is it with that running-for-president-over-and-over-again-in-Sudan thing? Can't I, for Allah's sake, just move to Palo Alto and become a normal American kid? Or is that only open to white teenagers?"


Tanya Cohen and Dinah Silverstein reporting.

Saturday, July 11, 2015

Jeffrey Mirus is Unwell



WARNING: FOUL LANGUAGE.

SOHO — I’ve tried ignoring this Pope but the bastard won’t go away. He's not good for my income stream. Yes, I’m going to have a right old moan today — and this month we hit only 17% of our fundraising goal. Pope of Mercy? You must be joking. Tell that to my broker. But at least I had a booze blowout with a few fellow Neo-Caths to sanitize our sorrows. Last night I poured gin into my computer keyboard and it nearly blew up. There aren’t any prizes for shills but that's just what I am. If I don't play ball regarding Frankie, I get kicked in the balls. Which reminds me, I’m somewhat choked at not having been invited for a drink by the Patheos Women’s Guild. I have been invited to take a drink with Mark Shea though. Bollocks the thought. But [redacted], who betrayed his college for 30 silvers, went berserk in TGI Fridays yesterday and bought me two drinks. He asked me for a loan and I pretended he was joking. Could this be some sort of honey trap?

Anyway, I think I may have cracked it this year. The website spend account is sending me to Cuba where I shall be once again lying about Frankie. This could lead to suicide, I fear, if the self-pity and sentiment sets in and I really don’t want to be found dead wearing a "who am I to judge?" button. It looks quite silly enough as it is. Incidentally, do you think I can trot out my "Pope thinking outside the box" argument again? I've already used it fifty-nine fucking times. When they get wise to it, I'll try something different. What?

But by far the worst thing about the shilling, apart from the suicidal tendencies, is the business of acting the clown. This is what my doctorate was for? Snowing the donors. But who else will Help Keep Jeff Out of the Nick.

Now if Bergo could read, I’d sit right down and write him a letter. Dear Super Pope, it would start too. He likes a little sycophancy, as we all know, as do all idols, gods, features editors, publicans, bank managers and anybody else in the nursing business. For one thing I’d ask for a German Cardinal to drop in twice a week and pass me an envelope. Secondly I’d like a return ticket to Disney for the rest of the Papal Mystery Tour plus a one-way ticket out of Londonistan to anywhere. Then I’d like an introduction to one of those extraordinary Irish women who’ve been brought up to tolerate the most appalling five-thousand word blog posts on Vatican II and even come back for more.


So, over there, Simon Bolivar's birthday is coming up, which I hear is sort of like Christmas but for Masons. That puts me in the mood. If you should be Catholic enough — sorry rich enough — to think that it’s better to give than to receive, then I suppose we must consider the wonderful blog readers who’ve put up with a lot from me this past year. I’d very much like to take all the female staff on this web rag out to lunch. Not that I have any. But still. 
I’d like to buy Crabby Trad a colour telly and then make her watch it and I’d like to get Snotty Trad a dictionary of slang so as to enrich his abuse of me. I’d love to give Ignatius Press the book they commissioned me to write in 1897 and I’d like to give my landlord April's rent. As it is, I’m afraid that all I’ll be giving this year is a hard time to my barman. At least I can tell him my true feelings about Frankie. Not that he cares. He's a Low Anglican. I shall also bung my doorman who amazingly deludes himself that I’m a professor and a gentleman. The poor fool probably thinks I’m Cardinal Newman too.

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

Pope Runs Into Jungle, Never to Return

He's somewhere down there

QUITO, ECUADOR, July 6 (AP) – At an outdoor rally earlier today, Pope Francis put down his prepared address, turned ad orientem and suddenly sprinted into the surrounding jungle, leaving behind a crowd of stunned onlookers. Twelve hours later he had not returned and was presumed permanently lost in the vast Amazon rainforest.

Swiss Guards Follow

Members of the Pope's elite traveling Swiss guard were quickly handed machetes by local police and pursued the fleeing Pontiff, but after two hundred yards of frantic hacking could proceed no further through the dense natural growth. One mentioned catching a distant glimpse of the Pope's white cassock as it flitted further in.

Possible Motives

Only last week, Pope Francis had indicated that he didn't think the Papacy should be a permanent entitlement. In addition, close associates have mentioned the effect that months of advising and reviewing Laudato Si had on the environmentally conscious prelate. In that recently released encyclical, the value and worth of a pre-industrial situation, especially one involving trees, was emphasized again and again. Other witnesses reported that the Bishop of Rome had been intensively chewing coca leaves only a few hours before.

Where's Papa?

Souvenir hawkers were disappointed. "Where's Papa?" complained one, stuck with three-hundred wooden crosses with plastic Pope Francis heads glued onto the top. Another salesperson, manning a stand draped with "Who am I to judge?" t-shirts, said the Pope was a selfish bishop who had let them down.

Those familiar with the nearby topography said it was impossible to estimate in what precise area of the forest the Pope might currently be. "It's like looking for a miniature aspergill in a haystack," said one natural scientist. When informed that the Pope was still probably wearing his cassock, he replied, "Okay, so it's like looking for a miniature white aspergill in a haystack. Same thing."

Given the extreme biodiversity of the forest, there are no worries that the Pope will be without nourishment or even without a more than adequate menu of useful medicines and drugs for the indefinite future.

Historical Precedent

Though a handful of Popes have resigned voluntarily – including Francis' predecessor, Benedict XVI – and a handful more have been deposed by force, there has been no reported incident of a Pope intentionally losing himself in a wooded area. The closest similarities are Linus V jumping into the Tiber to avoid debt collectors and Pope John Paul II secretly sneaking out on a full week's calendar of official meetings to go skiing in the Alps.

Conservative Backlash

Traditionalists jumped on the Papal action, branding what now is being called the Pope's "Amazon gambit" as embodying material if not formal heresy. Rumors are swirling that prior arrangements had been made to link up with a hitherto undiscovered tribe, which, according to anthropologists, worshiped helicopters. This was denied by a Vatican spokesman who claimed that members of the tribe in question were merely Pentecostalists.

Uncharacteristically, Mark Shea was silent.

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Ship of Fools Reviews the Last Supper

2882: Upper room, Mount Zion, Kingdom of Judea and Samaria
Mystery Worshipper: Synagogue Shopper (official Ship of Fools reviewer).
The church: The upper room of an anonymous residence just outside the city walls of Jerusalem, Kingdom of Judea and Samaria.
Denomination: Jewish.
The building: An unremarkable building in near suburban Jerusalem. Not poor but not showy or upperclass either.
The church: As implied, it wasn't a church per se. The room itself was spacious, longer than one would think from looking at the outside of the building. It was sparsely decorated but well cleaned and kept. I particularly noticed the restored lighting fixtures.
The neighborhood: Basic mud and stone architecture. The area itself has a strong Essene presence. I find them annoying but not dangerous.
The cast: A Rabbi (I didn't get his name) and a small group of parishioners, all male.
The date & time: April 1, 33 (Passover), 9.00pm.

What was the name of the service?
The Pasch.

How full was the building?
I would estimate 10-20. The room was fairly large but only had seating for that many.

Did anyone welcome you personally?
No. I was there because I overheard men talking of a Passover meal, and having no other place to go, decided to attend. First I followed a man carrying a pitcher of water. Then, upon entering an unmarked building I gave a sort of password to the butler and was directed to an upstairs room. When I entered, I saw a table set for the Passover meal with all of the seats already taken. I was glared at by a number of the parishioners, as if it were a "private" service or something. But the Rabbi made a sign that it was permitted. I took a seat in the corner and tried to be unobtrusive. Throughout the service a few of the parishioners kept occasionally glaring. In other words, it was pretty unwelcoming.

Was your pew comfortable?
The chair in the corner was not very comfortable. No.

How would you describe the pre-service atmosphere?
Not very prayerful. People were talking amongst themselves and making sure they had the right silverware and so forth.

What were the exact opening words of the service?
"Blessed are You, Lord our God, King of the Universe, Who creates the fruit of the vine."


What books did the congregation use during the service?
None, as far as I could tell.

What musical instruments were played?
None. The atmosphere was quiet and sombre. I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but on reflection there seemed to be a significant lack of joy in the place.


Did anything distract you?
Well, I was quite hungry at the time so I was distracted by the sight of the food laid out for the regular parishioners. And then of course I was distracted by observing them eating it. But due to the hostile glares, I didn't feel comfortable going up to the table. 

Was the worship stiff-upper-lip, happy clappy, or what?
I guess I'd say, "or what." It was neither stiff not happy clappy. On the one hand the atmosphere was somewhat informal and everyone including the Rabbi seemed to know each other. On the other hand, everyone except the Rabbi seemed a bit stressed out and depressed.


Exactly how long was the sermon?
15 minutes.

On a scale of 1-10, how good was the preacher?
5 – That's a tough one. Much of the Rabbi's sermon was quite moving, but there were some elements to the service that were very bizarre. For example, at one point, the Rabbi got up from his position, picked up a rag and bowl and actually started washing his parishioners' feet! There appeared to be some argument about this from one of the parishioners, but then everyone got up and began doing it, madly washing feet and then in turn having them washed. I had never seen anything like it at my regular synagogue. The other weird thing was that towards the end, the Rabbi actually instructed his parishioners to purchase weapons! Without missing a beat, two of them started waving swords around--in the middle of the service! Thinking I had gotten mixed up in some politics or something, I hid in my corner. However, after all that
, and for reasons I can't quite put my finger on, I have to admit there was something about that Rabbi I really liked.

In a nutshell, what was the sermon about?
Well, I gather it was sort of a farewell sermon due to the Rabbi being transferred or something (he looked too young to retire). But the whole thing was a bit mysterious as to where he was going and why, and I think many of the parishioners didn't understand it either. I decided this was the main reason why everyone was sombre.

Which part of the service was like being in heaven?
The Rabbi asked his parishioners to love one another as they loved him, and as he in turn loved them. In addition, as he was pouring the Passover wine and breaking the Passover bread, he said that the wine was his blood and the bread was his body. I won't claim this wasn't initially off-putting and confusing. And I'm still not sure what he meant exactly. But I do have to say that the more I think about it, the more it seems that something very important was being communicated.

And which part was like being in... er... the other place?
So, I've seen Rabbis publicly reprimand people for talking and whispering during synagogue, and frankly, I think that's rude on the Rabbi's part. It's certainly not welcoming or inclusive. But this Rabbi did something I have never seen. Right in the middle of the sermon he accused his parishioners of harboring the intention to betray him! First it seemed to be directed against just one parishioner but then he accused another! Unbelievable! This was so offensive that one of the parishioners got up and left right then and there, never to return. 
Of course I surmised that the Rabbi was being transferred because he was a paranoid. 

What happened when you hung around after the service looking lost?
After singing a hymn, everyone filed out quickly and I was left alone in the room. I shouted for the butler but I think he had gone to sleep.

How would you describe the after-service coffee?
There was no coffee.

How would you feel about making this church your regular (where 10 = ecstatic, 0 = terminal)?
2 – It was certainly an experience, I'll tell you that. I'm giving it a low rating partly because I don't think services are held there on a regular basis.

Did the service make you feel glad to be a Christian?
What's a Christian?

What one thing will you remember about all this in seven days' time?
The restored lighting fixtures.




For further reading, see herehere and especially here. This is for Fr. Blake, from an idea by Liam Ronan.